I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
