i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Shitshow foam night was such a success
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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