Since when is my name a synonym for head?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
She needs sedatives and a leash
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
