So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
