you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
