So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
