Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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