dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
