Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
