At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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