I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
