He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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