my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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