last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
