I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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