He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
