And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
