last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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