I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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