So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
