I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
