yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
