Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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