Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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