One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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