Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
