just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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