im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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