we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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