the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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