i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
