you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
