fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
i think im in europe. pls send help
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
