just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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