Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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