I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
