i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
