I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
