my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
