i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
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