You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
