well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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