On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Randomize
