I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
