I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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