Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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