Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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