Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
