Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
