Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
