A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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