Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
