my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
