Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
