the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
