I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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